Blue Reviews "Undo Me" by M. Robinson

UNDO ME by M. Robinson is the third in her highly successful "Good O'le Boys Series.

Dylan and Aubrey's story is like nothing that I've ever experienced before.  Some of M. Robinson's best writing, if not her very best writing are within these pages, and I don't say that lightly.
Her writing truly shined in some of the most gripping and heart wrenching scenes that I've ever read.

Fans of M. Robinson will not be disappointed and will once again be left with the need for whiskey shots and time away from work to recover from the hell and back story of Dylan and Aubrey.

Once I got to about 48% into the story, there was no way I could put it down again until I finished it completely.   There were some huge twists and gasp worthy moments in this story and I have to say BRAVO to M. Robinson for those "well I freaking didn't see that coming" moments.

*And readers be warned; there are scenes that could be triggers for some who have survived domestic abuse or who have been sexually assaulted.

The HEA in Undo Me didn't come easily, but it does come with a very, very high price for both Dylan and Aubrey.

But for me as a reader, the price was totally worth it!!


Get your copy now!!
PURCHASE UNDO ME 
http://amzn.to/1PR1wvM

Confessions of a Pen Addict

Confessions of a Pen Addict

We could have $60 in our bank account and I will have no problem spending $50 on pens at Office Max, even though I already have a million pens that are my favorite and won't use because they are my favorite, so I need to buy more pens to use, but then I find out that they are my new favorites, so I won't use them either because they are my new favorites, and I go to my old favorites to use, then I remember that those are my favorites too, so I just end up not using any of them and stealing a pen out of someone's car instead.

Hello, my name is Barbara and I'm mentally ill.
✍✑✐✎

*Ahem, this is only my drawer pens.   I have gallon zip lock bags full of pens too. 
And swag bags full of pens from author signings.
And pens in unopened packages.
And don't get me started on mechanical pencils.

Nine Minutes and Out of Time by Beth Flynn

NINE MINUTES and OUT OF TIME by Beth Flynn
Reviewed by Blue's Book Reviews

Nine Minutes by Beth Flynn has been on my very long list of books to read for what feels like forever.  I was making a drive up to Dallas for an author event and wanted to find a book to listen to for the drive there and back to keep me company.  After looking through all of my options, I zeroed in on Nine Minutes and pulled the trigger.  

First of all, I'm normally not a big MC fan nor am I a fan of reading/listening to anything written in 3rd person.

Here's the BUT...but this writing and narration was absolutely suburb!!   This story kept me on the edge of my seat and left me constantly guessing at the who's, the what's, the where's and the DAFUQ just happened moments.  I never even noticed the 3rd person view and that right there for me is so very huge.

While reading Out of Time, I have gone without washing my hair for 3 days.  I also may have fibbed and told my husband that I was running a fever so that I could stay in bed and continue reading without fear of him being angry with me for spending 3 days wearing the same pajamas, hair a mess, unshaved legs and underarms while looking  more and more like a homeless bag lady with each passing day.

All because of these characters.
They consumed me.
They haunted my sleep.
They kept me from basic physical hygiene.
I'm sure that I've damaged my bladder from holding it for far too long because making the choice between getting up to pee over putting down my Kindle for 3 minutes was a no brainer as I chose to hold it a little bit longer.

Grizz.  Kit.  Grunt.  Blue.  Moe.  And wait for it...Jodie Marie.

Yes, you heard me right.  Jodie Marie and I are in a book together! Never-mind that I'm playing a bad-ass biker dude named, Blue, and now that you know that I'm really a bad-ass biker dude named, Blue, just be sure to not tell my husband.  
And then there's Jodie Marie, the foul mouthed Brit with bright blue eyes and blonde hair who shows up in the end of Out of Time causing me to squeal out loud!

Nine Minutes and Out of Time took over my life and rendered me completely useless to my family.  The headache that came upon me once I finished Out of Time was the hangover headache that I get when I finish any phenomenal book/series.  That sweet agony that we all seek when reading a book, that coveted book hangover that leaves us feeling lost, dazed, euphoric and sad, all at the same time.  
I'm going to need lots of aspirin.  Lots of reassurances that life will go one.  Lots of confirmations that I'm not the only one who felt this way when finishing these books.  

And finally, I'm going to add this series to my,"Blue's Freaking Favorite Books of All Time in the History of Ever List"!!!


Blue's Book Reviews gives 
Nine Minutes and Out of Time by Beth Flynn
FIVE THOUSAND TIMES INFINITY 
FREAKING BLUE STARS!!

Click to Buy Nine Minutes and Out of Time 

Letters Written in White by Kathryn Perez

Blue's Book Reviews "LETTERS WRITTEN IN WHITE" by Kathryn Perez

Um. 
OMG. 
This. 
Book.
OMG.
No words.
Absolutely haunting.
Terrifyingly true. 

How do I even explain the emotions that this book brought out of me?  
How??  
I can't even put my thoughts into coherent words.  
The writing in this book sliced straight through my soul with a scythe.   It cut me into pieces.  
Because I KNOW this book.  I lived it once upon a time at the ripe old age of 18.

I too have suffered through debilitating depression.  I too had once decided to end the excruciating pain and suffering that was swallowing me up by choosing the black quietness of death over the unrelenting pain of waking up every day.   I too have written my story.   And maybe one day, I too will be brave enough to share it.

I've highlighted over 50% of this book so how do I even begin to pick what to share here?  

"Suicide doesn't happen all at once.  It starts small.  Those early seductive whispers of nagging self talk, worthlessness, self-hate, fear, or sadness curl into your ears subtly at first.  Eventrually it mutates into a relentless roar.  You really don't see death coming until suddenly, in one deeply dark moment, you're face to face with it.  Then, being worn down, exhausted from swimming in an ocean of despair, you drop at Death's feet and surrender.  Like a sander, it wears you down until there's nothing left to fight it off.  Soon your once strong oak exterior is worn down into a meager pile of sawdust.  I wish my husband knew how many times he's held the dust of me in the palms of his hands, slipping through his fingers."

Letters Written in White by Kathryn Perez is like nothing I've ever read before, but its also so very familiar for very person reasons.   
It will haunt you.
It will hurt.
It will give you not just a glimpse, but an IMAX view of depression.  
Everyone should read this book.  EVERYONE.
Whether you've suffered from depression, attempted suicide, or if you love someone who is suffering or had been successful at ending their life, this book brilliantly allows you to see and feel the hopelessness, the pain to keep living, the lullaby of lies that Death will sing so beautifully into your ears.  

Letters Written in White brings you understanding.  It does not sugar coat anything where depression and suicide are concerned.  
It is real.
It is raw.
It HURTS.
It is a MUST READ.

Blue's Book Reviews gives LETTERS WRITTEN IN WHITE by Kathryn Perez
FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND REAL RAW MUST READ STARS!!!!




ThisThi⤵⤵Get it here ⤵ ⤵
Letters Written in White purchase link

Midnight Mass by Sierra Simone

Midnight Mass by Sierra Simone

Is it hot in here because it is really hot in here.
Yes I know its winter but I'm sweating like a whore in church.
Why are my glasses all fogged up?
And why are my pants wet?
And why am I sexually assaulting my husband???

Oh I'll tell you why, it's because FATHER BELL is back and he is not leaving anyone disappointed, especially me!!!   And I forgot to wear my #shamwowpanties so that's why my undies are soaked.

Yes, this book is volcanically erotic.
But that's not all it is.
Midnight Mass is also magnificently written.   Flawless even.

"Of all the ghosts that haunt me, it is the priest who stays the closest, who dogs my steps from dawn until dusk.  It's the priest who reminds me of my sins, of everything I've left behind, of every part of secular life that is flat and colorless and petty.  It is the priest who tells me to be afraid of being punished.  Like I'm not already afraid.  But I never expected my punishment to come so soon."

"I cultivate guilt the way a farmer cultivates land.  Long furrows of regret here, heaped mounds of shame there.  I weed away the excuses and the rationalizations, I water the sprouts of self-loathing with more self-loathing, I harvest it all and store it away - silos of contrition and self-condemnation and the knowledge I can't ever atone for all the things I've done wrong.
The sister I didn't save.
The vocation I abandoned.
The wife I'm neglecting."

Sierra Simone is once again absolutely brilliant with this book!!  I was so worried that I would be disappointed as I have with so many other "book two's", but not only did she go beyond my expectations, she has valiantly fought and won a place as one of my "go to authors".

My list of "go to authors" is not a long list, but Sierra Simone just made that short list of mine, one name longer from her books,  Priest and now Midnight Mass.

Midnight Mass made me literally "ACHE" from its nuclear hot scenes.
I. ACHED. LIKE. A. CAT. IN. HEAT.

You must get this series and make sure you are wearing your overnight pad or SHAMWOW panties because you will need them!!!!

Blue's Book Reviews gives Midnight Mass
FIVE VOLCANICALLY EROTIC WET MOP CLEAN UP ON ISLE SIX, SEVEN AND EIGHT STARS!!!

Click it.  Lick it.  Own it.  NOW.

Priest (Book 1) 
http://amzn.to/1IpxY58

Midnight Mass (Book 2)
http://amzn.to/1IpxrA0

 

November 9 by Colleen Hoover

Blue's Book Reviews

Finished November 9 by Colleen Hoover.

I LOVED IT!!
I LOVED IT!!
I LOVED IT!!

This book is absolute poetry.   The words sang into my mind as if it were my new favorite song playing inside my ear buds.  
Lines of words written, that needed to be re-read for the sole purpose of engraving those sentences into my memory.  
Colleen Hoover doesn't just put together letters to form words to form sentences, she creates works of art just by having her fingers hitting tiny buttons upon a keyboard, and with those simple movements from her hands, a masterpiece is created.  

"My flaws are what wake me up in the morning and what keep me awake every night."

"I just sometimes find it difficult to control my indignation in the presence of absurdity."

"One of the things I always try to remind myself is that everyone has scars," she says.  "A lot of them even worse than mine.  The only difference is that mine are visible and most people's aren't."

"You're a virgin."  He says it as more of a realization that a question.  "Yeah, but only for a few more minutes."

"He presses his mouth against my ear and whispers, "No combination of written words could ever do this moment justice."

And to throw back a quote from November 9;  No combination of written words could ever do this book justice.  
It is beautiful.  
It is breathtakingly poetic.  
If William Shakespeare were to be in an English class and study a love story just as we studied Romeo and Juliet in high school, old William would be studying November 9.
Blue's Book Reviews gives NOVEMBER 9 by Colleen Hoover 
FIVE I CAN'T FORM THE RIGHT WORDS ON HOW TO SAY HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS BOOK IS STARS!!!!

November 9 by Colleen Hoover

Because of Him, I Can Be Me.

Because of Him, I Can Be Me.

I'd really love to become one of the "it" people that people follow so that my favorite authors will get more deserved recognition and that other people can see that even though things can get hard in life, there's still opportunity to find humor when the world is trying so hard to break us into tiny shards of glass.

And I'd also want people to know, that just because someone is a Born Again Spirit Filled Christian, that does not mean that we are perfect, holier than thou, or better than others.

Followers of Jesus are broken vessels, just like every other human.  Sometimes we are held together by just the finest of threads. 
Sometimes we cuss. 
Sometimes we start drinking wine at the ripe old age of 41.
Sometimes we read smutty books.  Sometimes we laugh at inappropriate jokes and memes.  Sometimes we have sweaty monkey sex with our husbands and then decide to tell the world about when that sweaty monkey sex goes terribly, terribly wrong because it's just funny, and who doesn't love a good laugh once in a while?

That does not make me any less of a Christian. 
It does not cause God to love me any less. 

I may break His heart sometimes, and trust me, He'll let me know all about it when I do.

But sometimes, I get it right and am able to show someone my faith through the trials we have been dealt with and how God intervened with a miracle that defies all logic.

He doesn't show up because I'm a perfect holy roller bible thumping Christian.  He shows up because He's the perfect Savior for this very imperfect, Barbara.

I've never shoved anything down anyone's throat and I think y'all already know that about me.

But to know me is to also understand Who helps me keep my joy.  Who helps me keep my laughter and sense of humor.  Who helps me to not stab people in the neck with my pen. 

He, Who keeps me from balling up into a fetal position in the corner of a room and rocking back and forth with my thumb in my mouth because I just can't deal with the cruelty that this life can offer on some days. 

In this day of idiotic political correctness, right is wrong and wrong is right, up is down and down is up society, I won't hide my love for Jesus because it may offend the few or even the masses at some point.

He's why I have made it this far.  He's why my name isn't on a headstone in a cemetery with the dates May 13, 1970 to May 5, 1989. 

He's the reason that my first book that I'm writing, will be my first fruits offered up to Him, telling my memoirs of the many times He literally showed up to save, to heal, to make a way where there seemed to be no way. 

This book will be my stories. 
My walk. 
My failures. 
My victories.
My testimonies.

He gets my FIRST.

I'm still trying to write these stories, so there is no expected date for when it will be ready to publish.  Some of these stories, I avoid writing because reliving them is like willingly putting your hand to the fire.  The pain can be unbearable and to relive some stories will surely cause me to bleed all over my keyboard. 

So I avoid writing them for that reason.  But I won't avoid itforever.  On days that I can't predict, I've written some of these stories.  I have shared them with very few trusted friends and authors. 

Their reactions have excited me and shocked me into believing that what I'm writing is something that people may actually want to read about.

So for those of you who have read what I've sent you, I'm so sorry this is taking me so long to complete.  It may take me many more months or even years to conclude. 

But when it is ready, I hope to make you proud.
Because of Him, I Can Be Me.

If You Dare (Deanna Madden Series) by Alessandra Torre

Oh how I have missed my psychotic stabby friend, Deanna Madden.

This is the 3rd book in this series, and oh how I pray it's not the last!

You must read The Girl in 6E and Do Not Disturb to fully understand the brilliance of this series.

As with the first two books, my heart raced and I lost sleep by waking up at 2am to read more because I had to know what was happening next!! 

I didn't want it to end and again, I hope we get more stories of Deanna!!  She has become one of my very favorite characters and I already miss her broken mind!!

If You Dare by Alessandra Torre consumed me, just as the other Deanna Madden books.

This is a FIVE FREAKING STAR SERIES!!! 

Betrayal (Infidelity Book 1) by Aleatha Romig

Another Grand Slam from Aleatha Romig!  This story had my mind trying to figure out where the twists and turns were trying to take me.  I was working out combinations within my head in the same way that I would be working a Rubik's Cube in my hands.

As my imagination got carried away as to who Nox could really end up being, the author had me looking down at my hands with a jumbled up cube with no matching up colors, and no way of figuring out how she ended up leaving me shocked in the direction this story took me.

Well played, Aleatha Romig.  Well played.

Betrayal sucked me in and left me gasping and needing more!

Cliffhangers leave you either loving them, hating them, or loving to hate them all at the same time. 

I can't wait to see what happens next in this story of Nox and Alex!!! 

I need more now!!!

FIVE BLUE STARS FOR BETRAYAL!!

http://amzn.to/1PARX8B

The Truth About Mack by Jettie Woodruff

Listen up because I am not playing around....BUY THIS FREAKING BOOK!!
Get into the crazy mind of Mack and all her secrets.  Jettie Woodruff blew me the hell out of my chair with this book!  Her insane, genius, brilliant writing in The The Truth About Mack will never leave you.  

I am still quoting lines from this book, after all these months later.  Mack and her hyper sexual, mental illness issues will take you on a dark journey of lies, flies, and blood with paralyzing truths in this story.

And because I coudn't put this book down because it consumed my life, I gave it FIVE BLOODY MATTRESS COVERED IN FLIES JUST LOOK AT IT STARS!!!!

Blue's Book Reviews BREAKING HIM by R.k Lilley

Blue’s Book Reviews
BREAKING HIM BY R.k. Lilley

Just a taste of some of my favorite highlights;

“He was mine before you ever had him, and even when you did, know this, a part of him as still mine. You never got what I had. You had what was left when I was done with him.”

“What we had was always a lie. I know because if it was real it wouldn’t have ended. It felt like forever, and forever was a lie.”

“Love doesn’t save our souls. It kills them.”

“I hate his lying, conniving guts, but sex with him can be a religious experience. He remembers things about my body that even I forgot…..Ah….Oh…I see….That they seemed to get. The universal understanding of phenomenal sex. Go figure.”

“Don’t talk. Your voice ruins it for me…..Shhh. I’m trying to pretend you’re someone else. Every time you speak it ruins it for me.”

At 3% into Breaking Him, I had already highlighted 18 passages. I can’t even count the number I have highlighted since finishing this book. Breaking Him to me, is possibly RK Lilley’s best book to date. And that is not an easy thing for me to say because her Tristan and Danika series, Bad Things, Rock Bottom and Lovely Trigger are high at the top of my most favorite series ever in the history of ever.

So for me to be able to say that she has possibly outdone herself, makes me almost sad and thrilled at the same time!

Scarlett and Dante. Dante and Scarlett. They have been in a bloody war with each other for years. Their hearts belonging to only each other, but decisions and choices were made years ago, that caused so much pain and suffering, that it changed Scarlett’s heart into vessel for revenge.

Scarlett is a masterpiece of a character and I loved her HARD!!!! RK Lilley captured brilliantly in Scarlett, what a broken heart can do to a person when that person doesn’t break. Scarlett didn’t break when her years of love and devotion with Dante ended. Scarlett transformed into the most beautiful weapon of mass destruction where Dante is concerned.

I loved everything about her. Her hate. Her thirst for his blood. Her vengeance. Her self-preservations. Her brokenness. I want to change my name to Scarlett because I loved her that much.

Dante, oh Dante. I have no idea the extent of what he did to Scarlett yet, but as much as I wanted to despise him as much as Scarlett did, I never could do it. His love for her slaps you in your face and even though she fights to always hurt him, he takes it.
Whatever it is that he did, he’s paid his dues with pain of losing her.

I’m sure Dante’s evil spawn of satan of a mother had something to do with the demise of their relationship and I’m going to start a Word file to record all of my fantasies of how I would want to see Dante’s mother killed off.

I cannot wait for the next book, BREAKING HER to come out!!! I wouldn’t say this was huge cliffhanger, but I WANT ANSWERS AND I WANT THEM NOW!! So it does leave you wanting MORE!!! AND I WANT MORE OF DANTE AND SCARLETT!!!!

Blues Book Reviews gives
BREAKING HIM by RK LILLEY

FIVE FANEFFINGSTASTIC FREAKING OUTSTANDING FREAKING MAGNIFICENT FREAKING I HIGHLIGHTED ALMOST THE WHOLE BOOK FREAKING OUT OF THIS WORLD VOCABULARY WORDS IN THIS BOOK FREAKING-A FIVE STARS!!!!


This book is BLUE KITTY CERTIFIED AND GETS THE BLUE KITTY STAMP OF APPROVAL!!!

Blue's Book Reviews SUSTAINED by EMMA CHASE

I can't remember ever staying up till 3am to finish a book!!! I could not put SUSTAINED down!!!!!

I FELT IT ALL IN THIS BOOK!!!! BRAVO!!!!!! STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!

“And she screams. A horrible, piercing wail that I’ll never forget as long as I live. Pain so bare, so raw, that thoughts aren’t even possible – just an endless flow of agonized sobs. Her knees give out, and I catch her.”

Sustained is classic Emma Chase, you get the sarcasm and great writing flow. This one though, wasn't so much laugh out loud as much as the much as her other books but still supplying the absolutely fantastic witty banter.

The characters, you just fall hard in love with each and every one of them. There are 6 orphaned children and their 26yr old aunt who is now their sole guardian and is trying to manage mourning kids along with her own personal mourning. When her brother and beloved sister in law were killed in a car accident, she had to leave college in CA and go to the kids in DC. She gave up everything for them, and she loves those children so beautifully, that you feel it strongly through Emma’s brilliant writing.

Then there’s Jake, ohemgee, Jake. I freaking love him!! I have tears in my eyes just thinking about him. Just wow. This is probably one of the best, if not the best book she's written to date, and that is not an easy thing for me to say when it comes to anything Emma Chase has written!!

The hot sex doesn't kick up until around 50%, but the incredible dialogue and everything else with this homerun, field goal, touchdown, hole in one and swoosh of a storyline, it didn't even need the sex scenes to be amazing!! Even though I do love me some smoking hot sex scenes and she never disappoints in this category, Emma Chase did not disappoint in the bumpin’ ugly scenes (ifyaknowwhatimean)!!!

I LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED THIS BOOK!!!
Blues Book Reviews gives SUSTAINED by Emma Chase
FIVE BLUETIFUL BLUBBERING SCREAMING FROM THE ROOFTOPS STARS!!!!!!

Blue's Book Reviews A LOVER'S LAMENT by KL Grayson and BT Urruela

Blue’s Book Reviews
A LOVER’S LAMENT by KL Grayson and BT Urruela

“Maybe we are all monsters, created by war like some lab experiment gone wrong.”

“It’s like all this death and destruction, losing buddies, and the kids growing up without me, I’ve lost my sense of feeling. I don’t hurt. I don’t ache for home. I just exist. I don’t feel like I have control anymore. But I need this.”

“The nights out here when I’m hurting so badly I’d rather die than bear the pain.”

I could go on and on with exceptional quote after exceptional quote that I’ve saved from this book. So many lines and paragraphs flow like poetry and pierced my heart on so many levels.

This finding each other again love story through brokenness and heartbreak, consumed my thoughts and heart. I found myself rambling about it to my husband, raving over the writing and knowledge that one of the authors lived and survived war himself. That he was able to articulate and capture the emotions and pain that soldiers feel during their times of deployment and the ugly and silent truth that today may be their last day.

This book is absolutely beautiful to me on the level of Archer’s Voice by Mia Sheridan. I want to climb into this book and protect Sergeant Devin Clay, from anything that could hurt him, just like I did with Archer.

Blue’s Book Reviews gives A LOVER’S LAMENT by KL Grayson and BT Urruela
FIVE FANTASTIC BLASTING PHENOMENAL POETIC I WANT TO SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS BLUE STARS!!!!!

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

My dear friend from AHS  Class of 88, recently finished listening to Jenny Lawson's Furiously Happy audio book and told me that I had to listen to it.  She even offered to buy it for me.
I told her that I had a credit that I could use to get it and to save her money.  I love her for even offering to get me the book though!!!  Xoxoxo

Anyway, WOW.  This book.  I'm not finished listening it yet but I LOVE it!!!

#1.  I'm not sure if Jenny Lawson is me or if I'm Jenny Lawson.  Which means that I too have mental illness which would explain a lot.

#2.  She talks like I do but add the strong Texas accent for me.  She speaks with a singsong way like I do.  I've been told by a coworker once, "Do you realize that you sing with you speak?"  Uh, no.  But thanks for pointing that Mr. Harry Hypersweater.  So now, while I write this or anything else I write, I hear Jenny Lawson's voice, or my voice, I can't tell anymore because I now think we are the same person.

#4.  What she says about suffering with mental illness, is brilliant and raw.  I needed to hear this because after living with at least one mentally ill person in our home (since now I'm certain I'm also mentally ill but somehow I've managed to function without needing alcohol or meds, but I'm sure Bryan would have been much happier if I had been taking lots of meds and lots of alcohol but I have recently been diagnosed with ADD but I don't take my Adderal like I should take it and this runalong sentence is proof of that.  And that I must be running a fever.

Bryan says, "He loves me, but I'm hard to live with." 
I'm sure my husband and Victor, Jenny's husband, would have lots to talk about about regarding their hard to live with wives.

#4.  Jenny Lawson spent an entire chapter talking about how assholey people are at airports. 
It. Was. Brilliant.
Someone other than me and my coworkers, acknowledging what we know all too well, that travelers are absolutely evil assholes and they need to be hit with a pinata stick.  Hard. 
But I personally would prefer to stab them in the neck with my pen while asking them if Jesus is their Lord and Savior because they are about to meet Him whether they believe in Him or not.

http://amzn.to/1LyYfiA

http://amzn.to/1Rkknki

I Am Blue Today

I Am Blue Today

Things aren’t always funny.  Sometimes we all forget that the ones who laugh the loudest and have the gift to make other’s laugh, those people are fighting a war that rages within their homes and families.  Whether its financial stress or anything else, it’s there, hidden behind a door with lots of locks and deadbolts to make it easier to be out of sight and out of mind.  We try to keep the world from seeing it or at best, having others finding out about it only to voice how they think we are handling it all wrong. 

Today is not a good day.  And maybe it’s a good time to come out of the closet because I know we aren’t the only ones who have to live with a ticking time bomb within our home. 

You see, I’ve always known there was something wrong.  I saw it when he was a baby.  Something just wasn’t “right”.  I chose to believe his pediatrician’s explanations because they were so much easier to swallow than the big bitter pill that has always been starring at us in the face.  I wanted to believe that I was the one who was crazy. 

Years go by, things escalate.  By the time he was 4yrs old, we had to hide all the knives and scissors.  By the time he was 9yrs old, we knew he needed help but no one would ever return my calls, and then he would be “better”, so we just let him be “better”.  Until, he wasn’t “better” anymore.  Then I’d call for an appointment again, and again, no one would call me back, and again, he’d be “better”.

This went on and on, year after year.  Until this past April, he started damaging things.  He scratched up my car with scissors.  He denied it, but we have security cameras that proved that he did it, and then he proudly admitted doing it with no remorse at all. We also couldn't trust him to be alone with our pets in fear that he would hurt them so he could never be left alone. 

2 days after he damaged my car, he threw a palm sized chunk of asphalt at me and left me bruised and bleeding.  I can still look down and see the scar on my forearm from it.  And that’s when things went into warp speed.  We had no other choice but to admit our still 12yr old son into a psychiatric hospital for 8 days. 

You can never know how that felt for us, to sit there, locked up in a room for hours with other people trying to be admitted, while we waited to hand our child over to strangers because he was a danger to me and possibly to himself. 

He was then diagnosed and my fears from when he was a baby all came crashing down on me at the words, “Bipolar 1 with Psychosis”.   

Our son has a mental illness.  Our son has a mental illness.  Our son has a mental illness.   Oh my God.  Our son has a mental illness.  Mentally ill.  Mentally ill.  No.  Anything but this.  No. No. No.

Why couldn’t it be cancer instead?  I mean, you can see cancer in x-rays and scans.  You can even name it Kanye or Marilyn, and visualize kicking its ass and brutally destroying it because you can SEE IT.  You can try to cut it out.  You can attack it with chemicals and radiation.  But this?  Mental illness?  You can’t see it.  You can’t cut it out.  You can’t go into remission with Bipolar 1.  It’s constantly changing, moving, adapting, hiding, then uncontrollable screaming at the top of its lungs .  Medication works, and then in a blink of an eye, it becomes ineffective and you have to change the medication again. 

The problem with medication is, you have to get in to see a psychiatrist to get prescribed the much needed medications.  It took us 3 months to get our son into a psychiatrist that would even see an adolescent.  
3 months.  
The hospital only gave us 30 days of medication with stern instructions that he cannot run out or stop taking these pills, or he’ll end up right back in the hospital. 

How exactly do you make 30 days of medication last 3 months???  

Well, you spend hours every morning before work on the phone, begging, pleading, crying with anyone who will listen, to write refills for his current prescription.  Thank God, his pediatrician has helped us with this.  Otherwise we would have been admitting him into the hospital every 30 days for refills.

Why am I telling this very personal and devastating story?  

Because today, I’ve got nothing funny to tell.  

Today I’m crying.  

Today he refused to take his pills to the point where I was afraid that I was going to have to admit him into the hospital again. 

Today I saw the face of the monster that lives inside of our son and because it scares me to my bones. 

Today, our son’s mental illness is scaring me.  

And he’s now bigger and stronger than I am.  And on days like this, when he’s crashing and not making sound decisions and being cruel.

I just feel, sad.  Sad for him.  Sad for us.  Sad for other parents who are also dealing with the same hell that we are. 

Just overwhelming sadness.

Losing the Silver Bullet

Disclaimer: I will neither confirm nor deny the validity of this story. It could all be fabricated or it could be true. I could have dreamt this all up or I could have actually lived through this.  I'll let you figure it out.  And remember, I read ALOT of books.  I've never read anything like this, but that just makes me very creative, right?  So again, I will neither confirm nor deny the events described in this story.

I blame E.L James for this. Her and her "Oh, let’s use this toy on you, Ana. It will be fun, Ana" from her book.  So, yeah, it did sound like fun and I found myself at a store that sold that kind of "fun". I really should have just gone with some girlfriends and not gone alone. It's a creepy feeling to be walking around the store looking at all the different colored dicks, nipple clamps, pocket pussies, numbing lube, and rabbits. It's all very overwhelming.

Then the pimple-faced girl that works there comes over to me and asks if I need help finding anything. I said, "Does your mother know you work here?" She looked at me like I was crazy but I was totally serious. I then just went ahead and said it out loud; "I'm looking for something small, I think it’s called a "bullet"?

The toddler then shows me all different kinds of “bullets" ranging from affordable to "you've got to be freaking kidding me" expensive.  She then starts going through all the functions of the different types of bullets and which one’s better than the other one…all while I kept thinking that she probably still watches Hannah Montana reruns. 

So I pick out the $16 one, not listening to the baby babble about "you might want one with a cord to pull it out with" nonsense.  Shut up, I've had four kids rip through my vagina; I think I know what I'm doing, thank you very much. Shoo now, be gone, poof, run along, leave me alone to gawk at the insanely huge purple dicks on the wall here in peace. 

I also bought a set of those balls that E.L. James also told us about. So I got the cheap, small marble sized balls, thinking they would be enough for us to play with. I mean, who needs to spend $100 on those things? The cheap small ones will do the same thing. Am I right?  Sadly, no, I was so very wrong.

I get home, I show my Baby Daddy what I bought, and I can't wait play with our new toys. It's still early in the day, so I go in the bathroom to put the little balls in. Okay, they're in, and I can't feel them. Maybe I need to walk around like E.L. James had Ana do. Well, I still can't feel them. Maybe if I jump up and down, I'll feel them moving around. I jump up and down. Oh…I felt them all right.  I felt them fall out into my panties!  WHAT THE EFF?? Now I'm just standing there, all pissed off and sad that my vagina, the one that pushed out four big-headed boys just let these balls just fall right out of me.  I'm remembering all those jokes the comedians would say about loose women...about “needing to strap a board across their asses so they wouldn't fall in" sort of jokes.

Now I'm totally not in the mood.  I'm mad at E.L. James and I'm mad that I bought the stupid little ball bearings and I want to cry because I'm wondering if he ever thinks he needs to strap a board across his ass so he won't fall in. 

Anyway, I've already shown the balls to him, so I have to use them, or explain why I don't want to use them. I choose using them.

I put them in again, making sure that I walk slowly the bed (because I may step too hard and have them fall out again), and I lay down on the bed quickly. Okay. Maybe I'll feel the balls when he's doing his wonderful thing to me. Yeah, that's got to be the key to how these things work. I say, "Can you feel them?"  He says, "No, can you feel them?"  I say, "No."  Pound, pound, pound.  I say, "Okay, these suck.  Stop so I can take them out and then we can play with the bullet!"  He's easy, so we stop, and I jump out of the bed and I hear "bing, bing" on the floor.  I turn and look at my husband and say cheerfully, "They're out!"  I jump back into the bed.

Now, it's the bullet's turn. Don't get me wrong, that little bullet can be a girl’s best friend.  And when held properly on your man's jewels, he will be amazed at how much he likes it too. So you both find that the little cheap bullet is now your new best friend! High five.

Over time, you tend to become more and braver with the little guy. Sticking him in places where you feel pretty safe that he will just come right back out.  Now let’s pause here for a second.  Remember that pimple faced toddler that tried to get me to buy the one with the cord? Okay, that's about to become extremely relevant here.  Let's continue.

My very zealous husband and I are literally going at it caveman style. And he puts my buzzing BFF in my butt. Okaaaay. I'm not going to be mad at him. Shocked, but I'm not mad. He seems to really, really, really like it.  And I'm happy for him because he finishes soon after. Good for me because there for a minute I thought I was going to die of too many orgasms. True story. It's called him having a "beer dick". It’s a real thing, but that's another story. Moving along.

As we come down from our heavy breathing, I'm still feeling the bzzzzzzzzzzzz going on in my ass. I ask him, "Can you hear it? Because it feels like you can hear it". He says no he can't, so I go into the bathroom to remove the thing. I push…nothing happens. Bzzzzzzzzzzzz (enter in the pimpled-faced toddler's voice reminding me that I might want one with a cord). I'm not going to freak out, it's not like it can go too far, right? I push again. Bzzzzzzzzzz.

My heart starts flipping in my chest. This clearly isn’t working. I go back to bed.  He asks me if everything is all right.  I whimper and say, "No, I can't get it out."  He truly doesn't know whether to laugh or be worried.  He chooses to laugh.  "Just go to sleep, it will come out tomorrow." Laughing.  I lay there.  BZZZZZZZZZZZZ vibrating my innards.   He's still laughing.  "The battery will die out, I'm sure. Don't worry, go to sleep." More laughing.

I'm not laughing. Tears are building up in my eyes. Flashes of those Facebook posts titled "Real ER X-rays of Things People have Gotten Stuck in their Butts" are playing in my mind over and over again. Ohmagawd, I'm not going to be one of those people!! I grabbed my phone and jumped out of bed (praying that the jumping would make it fall out like it did the balls. It didn't) and locked myself into the bathroom.

There I am, Googling how to get something out of your butt while sitting on the toilet. Here's some advice, don't Google how to get something out of your butt because…OMG!!! I can't believe this is happening to me!!!! Punctured intestines?? Surgical removal?? NOOOOOO!!!!

After a few "you can do this, it will come out, just believe, it will be a funny story one day to tell the grandkids, you can do this!) One more deep breath and…okay, I'm going in. And as I violate myself in ways that my husband could only dream of, I am mentally screaming to our former BFF, "I HATE YOU YOU STUPID FREAKING BULLET UP MY ASS. YOU FREAKING VIBRATING STUPID BULLET STUPID PIMPLED-FACED GIRL KNOW IT ALL. STUPID HUSBAND ALWAYS TRYING TO PUT IT IN MY ASS. STUPID E.L. JAMES. I HATE EVERYONE OF YOU” as I barely grab the bullet and pull it out.  Whew.  That. Totally. Sucked.  There’s a lesson to be learned here, kids. You’re gonna want to spring for that cord.

I go back to bed.  He asks, "Is everything okay?  Did you get it out?  You didn't throw it away did you?  We can go buy another one right?"

Epilogue.

Yes, I bought another one. 

The End.