Monday, January 12, 2015

Driving a Stick

At my job, I drive cars.   All kinds of cars.   Not everyone can drive a stick shift.   Not only can I drive a stick shift, my Daddy taught me to drive a stick on a 1980 GMC Sierra truck.   No power brakes.   No power steering.   No a/c.   3 on a tree. 

At 15 with a new drivers permit, my Daddy made me learn how to drive in that tank of a truck.   I'd cry and cry about how impossible it was to drive that thing.   You'd have to start breaking or turning miles before you needed to stop or turn.  Not to mention no a/c in Texas heat.   It was complete torture.   But my Daddy told me, "if you don't learn how to drive this truck, I won't let you drive anything else.   But when you do learn how to drive it, you'll be able to drive anything."

Obviously, I managed to learn how to drive that beast of a truck, and drive it well.

At work, I pulled up a customer's car, that happened to be a stick shift BMW.  I can tell when a man has something more behind his eyes when he looks at me.  I try to not make too  much eye contact with men for this very reason.  But this man, comes within my personal space, and has a demanding way about him.  You can't help but look him in the eyes.  And I already know, he's going to say something inappropriate. 
He says, "You drive a stick, huh?  Impressive.  I bet you're really good at it.  You should drive my stick for me sometime."

My response, "Yes, I'm very good at driving a stick.  So good, that the sticks I've driven are the kind most women could never handle.  Just ask my husband all about that." *I am looking at him hard and mean in his eyes with an evil smirk on my lips.

Mr. BMW laughs, and says, "He's one lucky man.  Where can I find your clone?"

I say, "You can't.  Sorry, but my model was discontinued back in 1970.  Too many glitches and all.  Enjoy your weekend, sir."  *as I walk away, leaving him laughing.

Moral of the story....women should all know how to drive a stick.  Single women especially.  For whatever reason, men find that sexy. 

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Bad Ass Pussy

There's this man at my job that I've worked with for almost 3yrs now.   I'd describe him as a "weak" man on most days.  Other days, I'd call him a "sad" excuse for a man.   I don't hate him.  I don't anything him, other than tolerate him because I have to.  

He seems to attach himself to people he believes will protect him in some way.  People who may be considered "strong" to his "weak".  He will also attach himself to people who are much weaker than he is, so that he can feel like the strong one for a change.  

He's been making some poor choices in who his friends are at work.  Again.  And it's gotten him in some trouble with the majority of the rest of us.  I'll admit, if given the choice, I'd love to see him crash and burn from his own bad choices.  

Another coworker and I were discussing him, and I felt myself getting quite angry over the things he's tried to pull recently and in the past.

For instance, one time, a customer became very hostile and aggressive towards him, got in his face as if he was going to hit him.  I, as in, a 44yr old woman, jumped between them and got in the other man's wrath.  My coworker, whom I refer to as "a weak man", then cowered behind me for protection.  A grown ass man, hiding behind a woman, as I took on the crazy rage of an abusive customer.  I remember thinking, "No wonder he's alone.  What woman wants a cowardly man like him?  Pathetic."

Then there's the times he boasted that he had the power to get me and other people fired.  False.  Or when he would ask the young men to tell him "who was stronger, me or Barbara?"   Sad, pathetic, little man he is.

Which brings me back to the conversation with my other coworker, that had gotten me angry over the subject of Mr. Weak Man.

I said, "You know, I'd call him a pussy, but that would just insult my pussy.   She's given birth to 4 babies, so she's actually quite a bad ass.  And I love my pussy, she's amazing and can take quite a beating, and still bounce right back for more.  So I won't call Mr. Weak Man a pussy, because to do that, would be a huge insult for bad ass pussy's everywhere".

My coworker who usually laughs at something like this, just looks at me in all seriousness and says, "That was awesome.  I'm going to use that.  Wow.  I've never thought it like that before.  I've had 3 kids, one of them was 10lbs, and I'm going to say that my pussy is pretty awesome too.  Thank you!!"

Moral of the story, pussy's are bad ass beings that demand to be respected and honored.  So be sure to never, ever, insult her by calling a weak, sorry excuse for a man a pussy.    

*takes a bow and the curtain closes.....

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

A Letter to my 4 Sons

An Open Letter to my Boys regarding recent events....

To my 4 beautiful sons, if you have been wronged, I will fight for you, I will face hell and all it's demons with the Lord on my side to defend you, I will take a bullet for you, I will push you out of the way of an oncoming bus to save you instead of myself, I will fight until my death for you. And that's the truth.

In the unlikely event that you ever choose to be on the wrong side of the law, to not respect the laws of our country or the badges of the authorities, to verbally and/or physically attack any law enforcement personal...if you choose to make choices like any of these, I will still love you. I will always be your mother. I will always help people remember you how I will choose to remember you. I will always pray over you. I will wipe away every tear and will pray that if I could somehow switch places with you to keep you safe.  

However, you need to also know this....if you ever, do anything to cause a man of the law, to fear for his life, and to resort to restraining you in a way that causes you great bodily harm, or if that officer of the law, feels that he has to draw his gun on you because he is in fear for his own life from your actions, then don't ever forget this...I will not defend you. I will not make excuses for you. I will not stand proudly to declare your innocence. I will hang my head in shame. I will cry the tears of a mother who has lost her child. But I will carry the guilt and humiliation of a mother who will spend the rest of her life, questioning what I could have done differently to keep you from making such deadly choices. Because you see, by forcing the hand of a police officer to defend himself against your actions, you alone pulled that trigger. You alone, destroyed our family. You and only you, have changed the life of that police officer, forever. His/her family would not get back the same person that left their home earlier that day. And for that, I would feel the need to face that family and to apologize to all of them, for the actions of my son. I would ask that family to forgive me, because I had failed you, and failed them too.

Boys, you are an extension of your dad and I . You represent us. You show the world who we are with your behaviors and actions You make a mistake, and the first thing people will think is that you weren't raised right by your dad and me.

Don't ever put us through this kind of shame.  Don't ever rob me of the ability to be proud of you, or to brag about you and the good you're doing in this life.

These parents you see on TV, making excuses for their children's unlawfulness, they are also part of the problem that got their child into that situation in the first place. I will never make excuses for you and your poor choices. If you do something wrong, then you will certainly suffer the consequences for your actions, without having me to defend you. And as your mother, it will destroy me to watch you suffer in any way.

So I'm asking, begging, pleading, praying, hoping and expecting, that you boys will always make your dad and I proud. That you will never bring shame into our family. That you're all strong enough to say NO to anyone trying to influence you to break our rules or any laws.
Stay strong and courageous. You only need to be still and the Lord will fight for you.
With all my love and devotion,
Your Mama