Monday, October 19, 2015

TMI Report Razor Blade Edition

TMI Report Razor Blade Edition

Yesterday I was peeing razorblades. My husband says it is not his fault and that it sounded more like an STD (no it's not an STD by the way). FYI, it's his fault because he forgot the proper entry order protocol.‪#‎beerdickdoesthat‬
My best friends on Facebook, which my husband refers to as my "Imaginary Facebook Friends", told me to buy some stuff called AZO to help with the excruciating pain of peeing.
So I bought the the stuff for the outrageous cost of $13. My Imaginary Facebook Friends failed to warn me of a side effect of this $13 razorblade pee fix.
I'm at work, and the painful feeling of having to pee hits me. I run into baggage claim bathrooms and do my usual squat over the toilet stance. I'm preparing myself for the pain, the tears, my body being covered in goosebumps when my stream starts to hack its way out of me. But there's no pain! I'm so happy that I look down to my poor pee pee and what do I see? RED/ORANGE pee flowing from my body!!!
I'm light headed.
I'm going to pass out.
They will find me on this nasty floor covered in pee and blood and a cracked skull from me hitting the toilet seat. It's a scene right out of one of Aleatha Romig's books!!!
I'm freaking the eff out.
I'm calling 911 in my head.
I wipe and see this red/orange color on the tissue. I think I'm having a panic attack. So, I take a picture of my pee in the toilet just in case I don't make it out of the stall alive and the automatic toilet flushes the evidence down the drain. My husband would want to know why they found his wife dead in a toilet stall so a cell phone picture should explain it to him.
*Snaps picture of my pee in the toilet.
I rush back to the garage and frantically start looking for the box of pills that I took, skimming for anything saying that this is normal, because I am convinced that my bladder is dying and decomposing right there in that garage.
And there it is, in tiny hard to read script saying, "your urine will become reddish/orange in color".
squint emoticon
Now, my Facebook Friends are all high fiving each other and laughing hysterically at me.
Well played Imaginary Facebook Friends. Well played.

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