The Perfect Storm
You know how dogs can sense when a bad storm is on its way? Especially when they are afraid of storms?
Our girls are terrified of storms. They cower and whine and hide under our covers in our bed. They try to crawl up under our skin as if they could even do that.
They can also sense it when our son's storm is also brewing.
They do the exact same things as if there was a big storm coming outside.
They cower. They hide. They are nervous and anxious. Miley will start panting really hard as if she's trying to hyperventilate.
They know when its time to hide in the cellar.
The events over the last couple of days forced me to take Caden in for blood work to check his Depakote levels. He was complaining that his head felt hot and he's still very agitated, which made me decide to keep him home instead of subjecting his teachers to another day of bad weather.
Back home, he's taken his normal hatred and abuse for me and moved it over to Bryan.
Bryan comes into the bedroom and locks the door, hugs and holds me and says, "Now he's attacking me like he's attacked you. At least its not you this time. But I wanta knock his effing head off."
Me hugging him back, "Well at least now you know what its like for me. Do you want to split a pill? I'll share mine with you."
We both laughed because I think we are probably the best medication for each other when things get hard.
He'll go outside and build something, cut something up, break something just so that he can build it back together again, or set fire to something and just watch it burn for hours.
I'll write annoying posts on Facebook, read, look at my disaster of a closet that needs to be cleaned out, but then I'll go post about my disaster of a closet that I need to clean out instead of cleaning it because I don't want to clean it.
I'll also create a Pinterest board on "Camper Remodel" and then become obsessed with how I'm going to want to decorate and remodel the 1998 Coachman Deer Camp Camper into a Glamper/Glamping Guest House for girl sleepovers and weekend getaways.
It's a darn shame that cleaning the house or organizing isn't a coping skill that any of my personalities have.
Bryan and I both cope in such different manors, but at least neither of us has given up.
Some days, I do want to give up. I sometimes wish that I could be that mom that just runs away when things get too hard. And to be honest, I used to never understand how a mother could just abandon her children because I could never do that, even though it sounds all unicorny and rainbowy.
But I can now empathize and understand it if that mother too has to go through some of what we have to go through. Maybe she doesn't have a strong husband or support group to cheer her on? Maybe she herself is suffering with mental illness with no one reaching out a hand to help her?
Anyway, I can't automatically judge a mother who runs away from her life because I can't help but wonder that maybe her too, felt like she was a failure for not being enough to help her child or children.
And yes I'm whining, because I know friends who have gone through so much more severe things with their kids than we have with our Perfect Storm and it makes me feel terrible that what they have endured compared to what we are currently going through isn't even on the same planet as far as they are concerned.
I have a dear friend who's adult son (Aspy) tried dragging her along his truck while hitting her in the face, and she had to call the police on him and watch him being handcuffed and arrested.
Another dear friend's adult son who is mentally ill, has not been seen or heard from in years after he stopped taking his meds. She prays and cries for him every day.
So I'm going to go stare at my messy closet so I can decide that I'll clean it the next time again.
I'm going to go pin some things onto my "Camper Remodel" board on Pinterest.
I'm just trying to cope.
We are all just trying to cope and survive another day without completely losing who we are.
When someone in your home is mentally ill, everyone in the home also suffers from that mental illness. Maybe not on a diagnosis level, but it pushes your sanity to the razor thin edge into insanity.
No where in the Bible does it say that "God won't give you what you can't handle".
That is a myth. A fabrication.
So yes, God will give us more than we can endure.
1 Corintians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
"In moments like these we feel ground to dust. Rather than stand and proclaim that we can handle it, we should imitate Jesus.
The night before Jesus was executed, He cried out in the garden, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Matthew 26:38). Jesus told His father, “This is too much for me!”
We see this kind of thing in the Psalms, too. The Psalmists ball their fists in rage, and shout at God, “Why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22) In their sadness they say, “darkness is my closest friend” (Psalm 88)
When we become aware that life will give us more than we can handle and come to grips with this, we find a promise: God is faithful to meet us in the mess and in the pain."